If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
