I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
