Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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