i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
