how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
