If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
