You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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