I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
