Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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