I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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