when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
