If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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