My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
