God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
