hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
