Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
