just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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