sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
