I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
