Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
