Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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