my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
