Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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