Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
