Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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