You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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