You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
