I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
