As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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