i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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