I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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