im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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