Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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