Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
