I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
