Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
