i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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