i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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