We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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