GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
