So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
