I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
