after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
