im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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