can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
