The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he just fucked me for my cheese.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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