omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
