in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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