my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
