the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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